A MENTAL HEALTH DAY
Full disclaimer - If you are suffering from depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or any sort of mental health issues, please seek out professional medical assistance. The below essay is based on my personal experience and should not be considered above any certified medical advice.
When I was a Freshman in high school, I asked my mom if I could start seeing a therapist, because I was feeling depressed and anxious (and unbeknownst to her, suicidal). My mother’s response was “No, it will show up on your high school transcript and you won’t get into college.”
I have a diary entry from that day fuming and raging at my mother’s dismissal of a very audible cry for help. But in retrospect, all these years later, I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for my mother to know that her daughter was struggling with something that she, herself, probably struggled with and just had to “deal” with.
The most consistent and withstanding memories are the sound of my dad quietly shuffling around in the morning darkness, the sound of the car engine starting and then driving away as my mother would wake my brother and me to get ready for school.
My parents own and operate a dry cleaners, five days a week, 12 hours a day. My dad would drive in on his own to open the store and my mother would join him once we were safely accounted for in school.
It’s a memory that has always grounded me. But also made me feel incredible guilty if I got sick or complained about a luxury like a home-cooked meal tasting “off.” So you can imagine the waves of emotions that crashed within me when I got the courage to ask for a therapist.
Now as an adult, I still have yet to start seeing a therapist, but I managed to get a better handle on my depression and anxiety. Please don’t be mistaken - therapy is still something that I am considering as I am fully aware of issues I haven’t dealt with. (Like the fact that I still haven’t allowed myself to go to therapy. It’s ok, I can maturely laugh about that). But one of the greatest things that has helped me take stock of my emotional and mental health as an adult is taking mental health days.
So I thought I’d share my experience with taking stock and taking a break -
CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF
In college, most of my professors allowed us two unexcused absences per semester. Growing up the way I had, I thought, “I won’t need these.” But as someone who loved her college experience and packed in every course, extracurricular activity, and part-time job, burn-out inevitably came. And finally I understood why professors allotted those two days.
Yes, they could be used for when you had the common cold, but for me I took advantage of them when I was feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, overworked, angry, irritable, couldn’t concentrate, had difficulty sleeping, lost my appetite... the list goes on. Sometimes, I just didn’t feel like it without being able to pinpoint the reason, and that’s ok too.
If you’re feeling any of those things, check in with yourself to see if a break from your everyday is what you need in order to restore and recharge.
By taking the time you need, you are choosing to help yourself get better. That’s it.
WHAT DO YOU “NEED”
What I’ve found is that there is no right or wrong way to take a day off. Just ask yourself: “What do you need right now to remotely get back to feeling yourself?” I purposely don’t use the word “normal,” because “normal” is a subjective term. You may not feel your version of normal for a while but, you are taking steps to get there.
Maybe you just want a distraction - spending the day at the movies? Taking yourself shopping? Sitting outside a cafe all day and just people-watching? Taking all the boutique workout classes you ever wanted but never had the time for?
For me, sometimes it’s taking a long weekend and booking a solo trip away (essay about this coming soon!). But most times, it’s staying in bed, ordering greasy Chinese food, and binge-watching my old standby movies and shows. Or rereading a book. Or listening to my favorite albums. Familiarity is a big thing for me; they bring me back to myself and who I am when I’m feeling lost in whatever is currently going on in my life.
BE PRESENT, TAKE IT IN
My favorite part of taking a mental health day is watching the light change throughout the day. Before you do a double take to re-read that sentence and brand me a whimsical weirdo, hear me out.
The first time I became aware of my anxiety and oncoming depression was in the sixth grade; a year later came my first full-blown anxiety attack. My mom had me keep a diary from the moment I could spell my name, so I have the privilege of having records of not only my idiotic adolescent whining, but also of my painful emotional/mental journey. To this day, one of the greatest sources of my mental/emotional imbalance is the feeling that I lack control of my own day, my own time - that time is moving forward and around me... without me.
Now, time is obviously not something we can control, but how we spend our days is something we should have some slight idea about. A work day is from 9am to 6pm, and somewhere in there is a break for lunch. And before that we decide when we wake, how quickly or leisurely we get ready.
But it isn’t that simple.
As a kid, my parents dictated my days. After school would be tutoring sessions, piano lessons, dance lessons, and then of course there was homework to be done. And as an adult, what should have been a 9am to 6am day actually meant a 7am to midnight work marathon.
Overwhelm, burn out. Those words no longer held weight when I didn’t even feel alive. There were moments where I felt like I was being pushed and pulled simultaneously just to beat the clock. And then other instances where I felt like the Tasmanian Devil, moving at the speed of light, but only ten minutes would have passed. It was different from a dragging day. It was the notion that somehow I wasn’t syncing up with time threw me over the edge.
Whatever you’re doing on your day off, take a moment to see where the sun is and ask yourself, “Where am I? What time is it for me?” It may sound funny, but I find that this helps me sync up with nature.
This also helps me to peel myself off the bed and throw myself into a mid-afternoon shower. Or, to step away from vigorously making my way through the to-do list that had been collecting dust and tasks, and just sit down and indulge in some music and slowly savor a cup of tea.
Take this time to find your rhythm, instead of having one foot in and one foot out.
IGNORE THE JUDGEMENT
One of the biggest reasons I resisted the idea of mental health days was the guilt, shame and judgment that followed the mere thought.
Is my boss going to think I’m a slacker?
My parents never took a day off.
Are people going to think I’m using mental illness as an excuse?
Am I just being dramatic?
No. You should not feel guilty. You should not feel weak. You should not feel ashamed.
You are no help to anyone if you can’t focus because of how you are feeling. What you are going through could possibly make you less productive and make more errors. Taking a mental health day is like the maintenance of your body and mind. That time of rest and restoration will help to clear some of what you are going through and, in turn, help to make you more efficient.
If the worry won’t leave you, just tell them you are feeling under the weather. It is completely your choice how much you want to share, but remember that what you are going through is no one else’s business but yours.
Don’t allow yourself to get consumed. No one understands what you’re going through other than you. After all, what you are going through is a type of illness that you are pushing through, and working to get over.
A final personal thought - the hardest part of taking a break is knowing that this time you allowed for yourself will come to an end (until you need it again). And maybe this one day won’t clear things up for you. But maybe it will make clear that the issues are larger and you might want to talk to a professional about it.
Either way, you are making a choice to get better, to make yourself better. That’s what’s most important.