B A B Y B L U E S — Monica H Joo

This year brought with it a lot of nostalgia. I’m talking space buns, Buffalo platforms, micro sunglasses (which back in the 90’s were just...sunglasses), the list goes on. (Apparently butterfly clips are making a comeback?!)

Beauty being one of the fastest and ever evolving industries, there was a lot of throwback references there too. Colored mascara and liner, the grand return of lipgloss (Mac Whirl? So 2016), and of course - blue eyeshadow. And not just the bold cobalts and navy’s. I’m talking shimmery, icy baby blue. When I started seeing this pop up, I was - dare I say - shook.

Why? It’s just another throwback trend, Mon, stop trippin. I tripped. I tripped head first down memory lane.

If you were a kid of the 90’s and early aughts, you definitely had baby blue eyeshadow. And if you didn’t, you stole your mama’s. From the runways to the Spice Girls to Buffy - every fierce woman rocked icy blue eyeshadow. And somehow it worked on everyone. From Scary to Posh to Ginger, Sporty, and Baby, it didn’t matter what kind of fierce you were, icy blue shadow just worked!!

Summer of 2001, my friend Miranda* and I decided to go shopping for some back to school outfits. I knew exactly what I wanted to get – something from the FuMan Skeeto brand (Chris from Nsync’s clothing line!!), some light wash super flared jeans, chunky Black leather Steve Madden platforms, and some icy blue shadow. I got it all, plus a blue body glitter roller stick that smelled like blueberries and a matching lip gloss from Limited Too. It was already looking like the makings of a successful day.

Miranda’s mom dropped us off at my house and we ran straight to my room locked the door and commenced the fashion show. It was definitely a Lizzie Mcguire-esque moment. Shopping bags went flying as we tore our new purchases out to model and piece together with clothes I already had in my closet. We needed to plan our first day back outfits and now, the makeup as well.

I can’t remember if it was Miranda’s idea or mine, but one of us suggested that we do each other’s makeup and I thought, why not? The catch, no sneak peeks until we were done. I wasn't worried. For Miranda’s look, I went for what I knew how to do best – black kohl eyeliner and a metallic brown lip. (Miranda had golden blonde hair and fair olive skin. I was sure the jet black liner would edge her out.) For mine, Miranda without a doubt went for all the new products I had purchased. Oh yes…a full glittery, shimmery, sparkly blue look.

The eyeshadow went on first. Miranda used the little sponge applicator that came with the package. I was excited. The body glitter and chunky lip gloss aside, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I would be transformed into a powerful, fierce force of a woman. After all, we were entering Junior High.

When I opened my eyes, I was horrified to see that instead of being a facsimile of my idols, I looked like a mockery. The shimmery baby blue emphasized the rosacea induced redness that was splotched across my face. The glitter brought attention to my very one-dimensional eyelids. I didn’t look like a Spice Girl. I looked like Mimi from the Drew Cary Show!

I didn’t want to show my disappointment and my sadness, after all it wasn’t Miranda’s fault. I laughed and deliberately was the first to declare that I looked ridiculous and that blue eyeshadow just wasn’t for me. So instead we decided to turn these looks into just make overs gone wrong. It was a hysterical afternoon and if I remember correctly, I ended up with overdrawn brown lips and three random pigtails and Nicole ended up with a unibrow. Both of us wrote on each others faces with the kohl liner, took incriminating photos with my dad’s cannon film camera, got stomach aches from laughing so hard, paraded around our looks to my family until Miranda’s mom pulled up to take her home for dinner.

It was a fun day, but after Miranda left I went to my room and took a good long look at the state of my face. Through the drawings and words written on my face and my blue body glitter beard, I could see that icy blue shadow taunting me. I thought well maybe I add more. So I did.

Not better.

I thought, well maybe some eyeliner. My trusty friend eyeliner.

A little better, but still eh.

I admitted defeat. I wasn’t meant for blue eyeshadow. Blue eyeshadow was synonymous with power and popularity. And at this crucial coming of age moment, I questioned everything – was it because I was Asian? Because the anatomy of my face was different from Western beauty? Was it because I was too young? Maybe I was just not pretty enough to begin with. Such a small, insignificant thing made me feel so…different. I washed off my face, threw the eyeshadow and glitter products in my drawer and never really looked back.

Every trend that came up since, I questioned and made sure to visualize myself a billion times before taking leaps. I stuck to what worked for me – black kohl liner and mascara. I shied away from lip products, only sticking to clear lip gloss and if I felt daring a gentle wash of my mom’s chestnut brown lip stick. I figured it would be better to play it safe rather than not be part of the game at all.

But my interest in beauty got the better of me. In high school, I traded in my kohl liner for liquid liner and Senior year of high school, during an internship at M magazine, I developed a love of red lipstick and was dying to get my hands on some contour products. My confidence slowly built back up as I grew into my face. Then of course Michelle Phan entered my life and suddenly I knew how blend the edges and frame my face.

Fast forward almost twenty years and all derivatives of blue eyeshadow, from the satin cobalt in the KKW x Mario palette or Blitz Blue to the duo chrome Astral from Pat Mcgrath’s Mothership eyeshadow palette in Subliminal to Colour Pop’s Super Shock Shadow in Sugar, have surfaced. And as the highlight movement catapulted forward, the era of duo chrome, prismatic highlights came to the forefront. And to be the end all of all the colored highlighters came Rihanna’s Fenty Beauty Killawatt Foils. My heart beat faster with each pre-launch marketing ad and I lusted after them. And though you’d think I would have been left with scars from my icy blue eyeshadow past, it was Mint’d Mojito that I wanted most.

And wouldn’t you know it, Mint’d Mojito was artfully dusted on an Asian model, who you wouldn’t say "fit" the mold of Western beauty. It was a different day and age! My mind was made up. I would conquer the beast.

A few weekends after the launch, two beauty obsessed friends and I decided on a beauty dedicated shopping trip.

“What are you planning on getting?” they asked leading up to the trip.

“Charlotte Tilbury Hollywood Flawless Filter and the Fenty Killawatt Foils.” I responded each time without hesitation.

This time I was ready. I spent all of college playing with colors, playing with placement. I even took a course in stage makeup in order to play with exaggerated colors and shadows (and prosthetics!). I knew my face required a balance, if there was shimmer there needed to be a matte, and if a cool tone was present so was a warm neutral. And to fit my personal style, I would need some help in the lash department and keep the lips neutral. (Needless to say, I gave up chunky blue lip gloss a long time ago.)

Unlike the eleven-year-old me, I didn’t dive in the minute I got home. I waited…until the next day (lol) to put everything I knew to be tried and true to the test. Mac Saddle in my nonexistent crease and outer V and then Mint’d Mojito swiped across my lid from the inner corner to the center, meeting and blending in with Saddle. Mirror the colors on my bottom lid, add a heavy dose of mascara (for the purposes of photos I applied false lashes), tightline with jet black gel liner, bronze up my face, throw on a neutral lip, and look.

I conquered the beast.

I felt a bit silly at first, the ghosts of that summer afternoon lingering around my bedroom. My mom came in to tell me that I was pretty as is and would get attention without creating such a spectacle. But after those initial moments passed, I was feeling myself. Can I say that without sounding vain? I felt sexy. I felt sassy. I felt like going dancing and batting my eyelashes. I felt fierce.

I wasn’t questioning the structure of my face or blaming my ethnicity for limiting me. I wasn’t asking myself if I was just not pretty. I just accepted it as growth. Since that fateful summer Saturday afternoon, I educated myself about makeup, intentionally and unintentionally, forcing me to learn every curve and contour, every flaw and blessing on my face. I actually chuckled that I had let such a menial thing such as blue eyeshadow birth a monster of self-doubt and shame.

In moments of unprettiness and prettiness, came acceptance that what is right for others may not be right for me and on a grander level, recognition of uniqueness. So maybe I can’t wear blue shadow on its own. I’ll just add in some brown and make it work. And yea, maybe my face is quite one dimensional. God bless whoever created bronzer!

I conquered the beast.

If I could go back and talk to an eleven year old me, I would say - Hey! Grab a makeup wipe and try again. And if it doesn’t work, then grab another wipe and try again. But most importantly, chin up. It’s not you. It’s just makeup.

*Names have been changed to maintain anonymity.

FACE:

Primer – Tatcha - Silk Canvas

Foundation – Covergirl - Vitalist Elixir in Buff Beige

Bake – Kat Von D – Lock it Loose Translucent Powder

Contour – Natasha Denona - Contour Sculpting Powder in 02 Medium

Bronzer – Marc Jacobs – O!Mega Bronzer in Tantric

Blush – Mac – Mineralize Blush in Warm Soul

Highlight – Hourglass – Ambient Lighting Palette – swiped across all three colors

Setting Spray – MakeUp Forever – Mist and Fix

EYES:

Brows – Anastasia Beverly Hills – Brow Wize in Soft Brown